It has been a while since I have written here, and allot has changed. Most of which, is on the inside. What I mean is that my husband and I have chosen a course of action, we have a plan and a path that we have decided to follow. It feels great, to have some kind of a foundation again. Maybe the plan will change, it is going to have to be flexible - but having a direction and moving towards a common goal together is a fantastic feeling.
I have never finished telling you the whole story about how we came to know about our daughter being a psychopath, and I will tell you all the details - just not today. It is going to take some time, for me to sit down and write about that time and those events and today is just not that day. Soon though.
So, although I have only a few moments i wanted to check in, say hi and let you know that we are all healthy and sometimes we are even happy.
Tomorrow I will write about how we came to be on this new path, and how our daughter tried to have her siblings killed. Perhaps I will write to you about last year when she began asking about where our life insurance would go if we died and who would have to take care of the other kids. Or maybe I will tell you about the time she cut the phone lines so that we could not call out for help. I am starting to realize that there are just so many 'times' to write about. This whole thing has taken over our lives, consumed them like a gluttonous vampire! But no more! We have found a way to stand up again and take our lives back, to really live and let go of the fear. We have found a way to embrace the love we have for each other and get up off of our knees.
I have waited for what seems like forever, for someone to come and save us from this living nightmare. I thought that the universe, God or even a friend might fix it all and just save us... help us run away so that we could live in another country and forget all this. But after allot of crying and wishing and praying, nothing has happened. It has been a year since our daughter was diagnosed as a psychopath and just a select few (4) individuals know about it (besides our psychologist and psychiatrists). At first we talked with them allot, but after a while they began to disappear. It has now been three months since our last visit with a 'friend'. There is a very occasional quick call, but mostly we are on our own.
I don't blame anyone, it must be a bit scary for them and perhaps they run out of things to say after a while, and they have the luxury of getting on with their lives and not having to think or deal with this if they don't want to. I would jump at the chance to run away from this if I could! So, I understand - I don't like it, sometimes it makes me angry or feel very hurt and sad - but I understand.
On the upside we have learned how to be our own hero's, how to save ourselves and each other. I have learned how to be a stronger person and be my own hero, to save myself - of course if there was an option, I would choose for someone else to take over! haha Amazing how even now, that is soo true! I wish it were my truth that I was this really strong woman who would not even think about letting another person ,or even god, save her - but...well I'm not. I would run away from this situation in a blink of an eye! I would get my two youngest children to a place of much greater safety and if at all possible, forget every moment of it! But there is no on wearing a cape, no one saving us, saving me. And now even our support system has faded away to almost nothing. We are truly on our own.
So, we have decided to save ourselves, in our own way and on our own. That is not to say that I wouldn't welcome or enjoy connecting with one or two of those friends, but I no longer feel or think that I 'need' to.
The key to our little plan of action is time. We need a bit of time to pull this all together, and with a little luck we will get it.
I hope that you can enjoy and even revel in the illusions you wrap yourself in - cause it could be the last day you get that luxury and illusions are the greatest luxuries life has to offer!
A Wonderful Day
Today was an absolutely wonderful day. The last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult. I have been trying to get my feet back on the ground and begin to create a new life for myself and with my family, but the last couple of weeks have felt more like standing in the middle of the ocean on a log! Well, it was my birthday today and it was fantastic! I just couldn't have asked for anything better!
Birthdays are pretty lo key here. We usually have a relaxing day ending with the birthday person choosing some favourite food for supper, and of course cake! Presents are most often home-made. This year my kids gave me a handmade purse and a new pillow. I loved the purse, although I am not too sure that i will be able to carry anything too heavy inside it! And the pillow is just what I have been wanting - I keep stealing my husbands because he has a great feather pillow that is just so comfy! And now I have one too!
To top off this lovely birthday fest was a special present from my husband. A private concert with Cher and Tina Turner in my own basement! Yup, he is pretty great! He fixed up the basement to suit a concert... you know, surround sound with a big screen t.v. and all that. Then he gave me a concert CD from two of my favourite performers! We got dressed up and went off to the concert. It was so much fun, almost like being at the real thing. We clapped and whistled and yelled and sang! It was wonderful. Probably the best evening I have had in a couple of years.
As I sit here writing this, I think that maybe there is a chance we can salvage the rest of our lives. Maybe we can find that solid foundation in our love for each other and build a new life. It's true that it isn't going to look the way I thought it would, but so what. We have what matters, we love each other and we are all willing to try.
That would be really nice. I will sleep on that thought tonight. Good night, and thank you for reading my blog. I hope you too have a great evening! And if you are going through some troubled times, perhaps you too will find some sure footing in the love you have created around you, and within you.
Birthdays are pretty lo key here. We usually have a relaxing day ending with the birthday person choosing some favourite food for supper, and of course cake! Presents are most often home-made. This year my kids gave me a handmade purse and a new pillow. I loved the purse, although I am not too sure that i will be able to carry anything too heavy inside it! And the pillow is just what I have been wanting - I keep stealing my husbands because he has a great feather pillow that is just so comfy! And now I have one too!
To top off this lovely birthday fest was a special present from my husband. A private concert with Cher and Tina Turner in my own basement! Yup, he is pretty great! He fixed up the basement to suit a concert... you know, surround sound with a big screen t.v. and all that. Then he gave me a concert CD from two of my favourite performers! We got dressed up and went off to the concert. It was so much fun, almost like being at the real thing. We clapped and whistled and yelled and sang! It was wonderful. Probably the best evening I have had in a couple of years.
As I sit here writing this, I think that maybe there is a chance we can salvage the rest of our lives. Maybe we can find that solid foundation in our love for each other and build a new life. It's true that it isn't going to look the way I thought it would, but so what. We have what matters, we love each other and we are all willing to try.
That would be really nice. I will sleep on that thought tonight. Good night, and thank you for reading my blog. I hope you too have a great evening! And if you are going through some troubled times, perhaps you too will find some sure footing in the love you have created around you, and within you.
Getting Fatter and Sleepier
Today is Wednesday and it is just after noon, everyone is still sleeping. It seems that we have all switched our sleep patterns around and have begun to sleep during the day and stay up half the night. Last night we ate supper at 11pm. Its a good thing that we home-school our children or it wouldn't be working so well. Last night I finally got to sleep around 5am, I have been awake since around 10am.
My body seems to want to shut out... everything right now. I have gained about forty pounds in the last year, which is unusual for me. It has been my habit to exercise for about two hours a day, sometimes more. I love to swim and the walk to the pool is about 7 miles. So I walk, swim for an hour or two and walk again. It also used to be my habit to practice martial arts and boxing (with a non-living sparing partner) a couple of times a week. Food is one of my favourite past times and I used to cook special meals for the family at least a couple of times a week. Now all i want is junk food.
I realize that we are all medicating ourselves with junk food and movies, doping up our bodies with a lack of exercise and lack of sleep so that we don't feel or know as clearly as we could. Knowing this, and changing it are 2 very different things. The problem of course, is that it effects every part of my life, not just the part I want it to.
And yet that seems to be a price worth paying, because no matter what I say, my actions have not changed.
My body seems to want to shut out... everything right now. I have gained about forty pounds in the last year, which is unusual for me. It has been my habit to exercise for about two hours a day, sometimes more. I love to swim and the walk to the pool is about 7 miles. So I walk, swim for an hour or two and walk again. It also used to be my habit to practice martial arts and boxing (with a non-living sparing partner) a couple of times a week. Food is one of my favourite past times and I used to cook special meals for the family at least a couple of times a week. Now all i want is junk food.
I realize that we are all medicating ourselves with junk food and movies, doping up our bodies with a lack of exercise and lack of sleep so that we don't feel or know as clearly as we could. Knowing this, and changing it are 2 very different things. The problem of course, is that it effects every part of my life, not just the part I want it to.
And yet that seems to be a price worth paying, because no matter what I say, my actions have not changed.
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