Its a funny thing, the things you learn about yourself when life doesn't turn out the way you thought it would. You get the chance to see your true self, a small piece of who you really are - without all the fluff and junk - without the illusions that we build up around us. We get a glimpse of our true nature, whatever that might be. For some the prospect is frightening, for others it is a godsend. For me, it has been a bit of both.
When all the illusions are stripped away, we only have our truth: our experiences and how we chose to use those experiences - maybe to act as evidence about something we want to believe or to support a choice we want to make. It has been my experience that all to often we choose the belief or emotional outcome of an experience long before we even had the experience. We decide -maybe even subconsciously - what we want to feel or do, not feel or not do and then we fit that outcome to the experience we are having. The very odd thing is, that we then proceed to believe it! As I look around, I see that our world is built on this fundamental flaw of self created reality 'reality'.
One of the things that happens when you learn that someone you love is a psychopath, is the slow stripping away of that self created reality. I have found that the lies/illusions and truths are most often mixed together, and not always so easy to decipher at first. I don't mean that it is difficult to understand logically, but that it is difficult to 'get it' - the pieces all fit together but it still doesn't make sense. And then the 'self created' truths begin to erode, some slowly and some so quickly that the rest of you doesn't quite know what happened. In a blink of an eye, you have lost something you believed was true and real - a treasured moment is illuminated and stolen away.
Yesterday my son found a picture of himself when he was just a baby, which began the inevitable discussion of what he was like as a baby. My kids love those stories! The onslaught of baby stories eventually brought up questions about what their sister was like when she was a baby. Its amazing, how in just a blink of an eye everything changes, and it takes the best part of a few days for the rest of you to catch up to that change. That's what happened yesterday. I was telling them how, when Kathy was born, the doctor put her on my stomach to hold. The cord was still attached, and she was all slimy (this drew a fair amount of 'yuck' and 'ew's). I was so excited to have a girl! I was going to be a single mom and was scared to death of parenting a boy - I had no experience with boys, but I knew how to be a girl... so I was thrilled I had a girl and she looked so healthy, all her fingers and toes in all the right places. My life to that point had been difficult, and I was so happy to have someone in my life who I could love and would love me back. That had been the reason I kept this baby, and didn't give her up for adoption. Ultimately I was selfish. I wanted to be loved. I thought that I could love this little miracle and she would love back and that would make the world alright. So when I looked down at this brand new life and she looked up at me, I smiled at her. And the first thing she did was smile back at me! I couldn't believe it! "Look, she's smiling at me" I called out. "It's just gas" my mother said. To which the doctor came over and took the baby, to clean her up and told us that since she was just born and had nothing in her stomach, she could not possibly have gas. She did indeed smile!
It was one of those defining moments. You know, one of those moments that changes you, that wraps itself around your soul and changes you. I loved that moment. I loved that baby and the little girl she grew into and I still love her now, even after everything that has happened.
"But Mom, psychopaths don't have emotions do they?" my son asked me. He was right. Psychopaths do not have the physical capacity to for love. That was a defining moment. A black truth that wraped itself around my soul and changed everything!
And as I sit here, I am thinking about how quickly she responded to my smile, and smiled back - how the rest of my relationship with her was built upon that moment. I wanted to be loved, more than anything and in that moment and each that followed I chose to believe that she loved me too. The reality of that moment is much more sinister once the illusion is stripped away. Now as I recount the birth of Kathy, I realize just how quickly nature takes over. Since a psychopath cannot love, this was not love she showed me. Instead it was instinct.
I feel awed and frightened by that nature! She was a brand new born infant, that had no capacity to love or be happy, and she smiled at me. Of course she was mimicking what she saw me doing. Mimicking is a part of the psychopaths nature as it allows them to 'fit in' and get what they want - even as an infant.
I don't know if you can understand how bone chilling that thought is. How right from birth a psychopath is a predator, and how easy it is for them to fit in. Who doesn't want to hold precious those memories of our children being born? Or of a childs first steps towards you, first words, or any of those moments that made you laugh or cry? I realize now that right from birth my daughter was a predator, and how easy it was for me to wrap lies in truths and call them 'reality'.
I have learned a great deal about psychopaths lately, and just as much about myself. Life has certainly not turned out the way I thought it would. That little new born baby so delicate and fragile, now grown into a young woman, was not what I expected. As I glimpse the real me, why I chose to believe the things I have believed, I find that I am not what I expected either.
How many psychopaths there are
It's surprising just how many psychopaths are out there. From what I understand one percent of people are psychopaths - that's one in a hundred. In a city of one million people that is 10,000 psychopaths. This means that there is a good chance that you have bumped into one or two sometime during your lifetime, maybe you even know a couple, work with one or have dated some, married one or had one teach your children math. Who knows? They often blend into society quite well and seem just 'a little quirky'. Not all psychopaths are like Jeffrey Dahmer, some are very successfull blue collar workers, and many of them don't even know who they are!
Just one percent of psychopaths are female. That means of the 10,000 psychopaths in a small city, only 100 are female. I don't know why that is, its a bit of a stereotype though haahah. Yah, I know, bad humour!
From what I understand, the intelligence level of most psychopaths is just above or below average. A small percent of them have a high IQ and an even smaller percent have a very high IQ. I don't know why that is either, perhaps there is some link between learning and emotions that we have not fully discovered yet. I would like to talk about that in more detail later, but for now suffice to say that my daughter is 'unusual', even for a psychopath. She would be one percent of one percent. So, of the 100 psychopathic females out of one million persons, there is only 1 that has higher than average intelligence. That's Kathy - one in a million.
Kathy doesn't yet know that she is a 'psychopath' and that is a great thing. Once she has a label to put to those things that make her 'different', she can research what that means. It would not take long for her to accept and embrace these differences and have the excuse she is looking for, to leave behind the last bonds of civilized society. In other words, she is looking for an excuse to embrace her unique, preditorial self and that would be it.
Kathy is young, and has lived in a somewhat controlled environment where she mimicked those around her - who have been pretty descent human beings. She is only starting to 'come into being', as one of our psychiatrists put it. He wanted us to pay him $160 per hour so that he could watch the process. "Its rare to have such an opportunity and I would love to see the development of a 'young' psychopath". Ya, that's a story for another day too.
But the point of all this is that she is still trying a little bit, to fit into society - the edges of society, but she has not yet left the bonds of all societal rules. She lies, cheats, steals, will have sex with anyone as long as she gets what she wants out of it, manipulates, lies some more, makes up stories, and did I mention she lies? But, she has not yet killed. Maybe we will be lucky and she wont. Who knows. When she tried to have our other children killed, she got other people to do it for her. I told you she was smart, smart enough to not want to get caught. She terrorized our family right from the center of it, without our even knowing.
Of course all the signs were there, but we just did not want to know. I just could not fathom that my child, that little person born from my body, who I loved so dearly, who put her arms around my neck and hugged me, and took her first steps towards me and said her first words to me, could want to hurt our family, could PLAN to hurt our family, to kill her brother and sister. Yes, all the signs were there, but my brain and my heart just could not make sense of it, could not accept that truth. And so I pushed the truth to a dark corner wayyy at the back of my mind.
It was a feast of fear for her. She, like all psychopaths feed off of other peoples fear. It makes her feel 'smart' and more powerful than them. She certainly got to feel allot smarter than all of us during that terrible time, and still is.
So, Kathy doesn't know she is a psychopath and we cannot tell her. As long as she doesn't know, it buys us time. Once she realizes her place in society, she can be a predator without the confines of trying to fit in.
Just one percent of psychopaths are female. That means of the 10,000 psychopaths in a small city, only 100 are female. I don't know why that is, its a bit of a stereotype though haahah. Yah, I know, bad humour!
From what I understand, the intelligence level of most psychopaths is just above or below average. A small percent of them have a high IQ and an even smaller percent have a very high IQ. I don't know why that is either, perhaps there is some link between learning and emotions that we have not fully discovered yet. I would like to talk about that in more detail later, but for now suffice to say that my daughter is 'unusual', even for a psychopath. She would be one percent of one percent. So, of the 100 psychopathic females out of one million persons, there is only 1 that has higher than average intelligence. That's Kathy - one in a million.
Kathy doesn't yet know that she is a 'psychopath' and that is a great thing. Once she has a label to put to those things that make her 'different', she can research what that means. It would not take long for her to accept and embrace these differences and have the excuse she is looking for, to leave behind the last bonds of civilized society. In other words, she is looking for an excuse to embrace her unique, preditorial self and that would be it.
Kathy is young, and has lived in a somewhat controlled environment where she mimicked those around her - who have been pretty descent human beings. She is only starting to 'come into being', as one of our psychiatrists put it. He wanted us to pay him $160 per hour so that he could watch the process. "Its rare to have such an opportunity and I would love to see the development of a 'young' psychopath". Ya, that's a story for another day too.
But the point of all this is that she is still trying a little bit, to fit into society - the edges of society, but she has not yet left the bonds of all societal rules. She lies, cheats, steals, will have sex with anyone as long as she gets what she wants out of it, manipulates, lies some more, makes up stories, and did I mention she lies? But, she has not yet killed. Maybe we will be lucky and she wont. Who knows. When she tried to have our other children killed, she got other people to do it for her. I told you she was smart, smart enough to not want to get caught. She terrorized our family right from the center of it, without our even knowing.
Of course all the signs were there, but we just did not want to know. I just could not fathom that my child, that little person born from my body, who I loved so dearly, who put her arms around my neck and hugged me, and took her first steps towards me and said her first words to me, could want to hurt our family, could PLAN to hurt our family, to kill her brother and sister. Yes, all the signs were there, but my brain and my heart just could not make sense of it, could not accept that truth. And so I pushed the truth to a dark corner wayyy at the back of my mind.
It was a feast of fear for her. She, like all psychopaths feed off of other peoples fear. It makes her feel 'smart' and more powerful than them. She certainly got to feel allot smarter than all of us during that terrible time, and still is.
So, Kathy doesn't know she is a psychopath and we cannot tell her. As long as she doesn't know, it buys us time. Once she realizes her place in society, she can be a predator without the confines of trying to fit in.
Are you out there? Talk to me!
There must be other people who are going through a similar experience.. there must be at least one other family who can understand!
I have never been a person who believed in support groups, I thought that support groups were for people without friends. I was wrong. There are only a hand full of people in my life that know about what is going on. Some of them have spent hours talking and caring for us, some avoid us for a variety of 'reasons'. I don't blame them. What gets me, what really stings is that look in their eyes - some days its enough to knock my legs out from under me . You know the look, its as if someone I loved has died but wont stay in the grave- sadness, fear and pity all tied up into one little look. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
So, every day I fear that someone will try to kill my husband and/or children. Every day I hope and pray that today is not the day. I know without any doubt that the day will come again, but please God, DO NOT LET IT BE TODAY! Each day I try to support my family in feeling safe and finding a healthy state of mind, body and emotions. Each day I play the 'pretend' game with a predator who cannot know that I know who she is, each day I love her and hate her and wonder which day I will hate her more than I love her. Each day I wonder, why?
Each day I try to be 'normal' - whatever that means.
So, are you out there? Have you had to live with a psychopath? I would love to hear from you, to know that we are not alone. Maybe we can help each other, give each other suggestions and pointers? Who knows, right?
I have never been a person who believed in support groups, I thought that support groups were for people without friends. I was wrong. There are only a hand full of people in my life that know about what is going on. Some of them have spent hours talking and caring for us, some avoid us for a variety of 'reasons'. I don't blame them. What gets me, what really stings is that look in their eyes - some days its enough to knock my legs out from under me . You know the look, its as if someone I loved has died but wont stay in the grave- sadness, fear and pity all tied up into one little look. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
So, every day I fear that someone will try to kill my husband and/or children. Every day I hope and pray that today is not the day. I know without any doubt that the day will come again, but please God, DO NOT LET IT BE TODAY! Each day I try to support my family in feeling safe and finding a healthy state of mind, body and emotions. Each day I play the 'pretend' game with a predator who cannot know that I know who she is, each day I love her and hate her and wonder which day I will hate her more than I love her. Each day I wonder, why?
Each day I try to be 'normal' - whatever that means.
So, are you out there? Have you had to live with a psychopath? I would love to hear from you, to know that we are not alone. Maybe we can help each other, give each other suggestions and pointers? Who knows, right?
Meet My Family
My youngest son, 11 years old, just came home from the store which is half a block away. When he got in the house, he turned off the cell phone - I was on the line with him the whole time. His sister, 12, trotted in behind him with this weeks Slurpee's, YUM! Once she entered the house, she locked the two door locks as my son turned the house alarm back on and greeted our guard dog.
Pretty normal for mid-day at our home. It's amazing what you can get used to, what becomes normal. A couple of years ago there would have been no cell phone, no dog, no alarm system. Of course, a couple of years ago, my oldest daughter hadn't yet tried to kill my two youngest children, we didn't know she was a psychopath and we lived in oblivious happiness.
Before I continue on, I should introduce you to my family. Tom is my husband. Of course, that's not his real name. He's a great friend and lover, a good father and a very kindhearted person. He is so funny - every day he makes me laugh! Honest - soo honest! I fell in love with how honest he is, but then again, I am often uncomfortable with how honest he is! :-) I feel fortunate to have found Tom, there are not many people on this planet like him - too bad. When we married I was a single mom with an infant. Tom adopted this child without hesitation, and loved her as he loved our other children.
Sam is 11, our youngest child. He is an almost typical 11 year old: funny, quick with a joke, kind hearted like his father, quick to temper and uncomfortable with too many emotions; loves people and can easily get lost in 'making friends. When Sam is tired of the company of others, he has no problem taking his leave; loves learning and numbers, is competitive and is learning how to loose with grace. Over the last two years he has 'developed' post-traumatic stress disorder often hiding in cupboards or under beds when he hears a noise in the house or when his Dad is not home.
Cindy is our 'middle' child at 12 years old. She is outgoing to a fault, and has more personality than she knows what to do with! Sometimes we clash... okay, often we clash - sometimes she has more personality than either of us know what to do with. She is an artist at heart, very creative - finding inspiration in almost everything. Her life is full of passion, and the lives of everyone around her is touched by this passion. She feels emotions deeply and when they have run their course, she can let them go. She is very loving and forgiving and enjoys all people - no matter what age. I am so often amazed by her! Lately she has become afraid to 'connect' to anyone - 'you never know who could be a psychopath!' is her latest saying.
And that brings us to Kathy. She is 18 years old - just had a birthday not too long ago. She is a very pretty girl, gets along with everyone - really - EVERYONE loves this kid. She is extremely personable! I have never seen anything like it, even when she was a baby she could get anyone at all to smile at her. When she was in school, she could do no work what-so-ever and the teacher would smile and tell her how great she was doing and give her excellent marks. She could take the money out of your wallet and you would thank her for doing it - that's not even much of an exaggeration. Of course there are some people that did/do not respond to her in that way, but they are few and far between - and she quickly stayed out of their range. Kathy is also very smart, her IQ is only a couple of points away from 'genius'. That's a bad combination - a genius psychopath. She is also very lazy. That is our saving grace - the 'gift' god gave her (or us really) -she is lazy to a fault.
And then there is me. I have just turned forty.. ugh! Grey hair is growing in all the wrong places now - I even found one in my eyelashes last week! Who I am in a nutshell: have my own business (with Tom) and several letters at the end of my name. My husband and I work together as consultants to individuals and businesses across North America (we work around 3 to 8 days a month), on the days I am not working I focus on whatever is my latest interest, or just hang out with my family. Its a pretty good life really, I get to do what I love and spend the rest of my time with the people I love.
Lately though, I have been finding it difficult to cope and the people I love have been finding it difficult to cope with me. I cry all the time, sometimes I am just going about my day and I find that my face is wet with tears that I didn't even know I was crying. I am cranky too - that's a good and kind word for *itchy! The *itchyness is leaking out from a very large pool of anger that is growing inside of me all the time. So in a nutshell: I am a cranky, sad mother who is currently pregnant with anger and disillusioned with life, love and god!
Maybe through this blog I can...i don't know... make it less...make it better, make it easier. Figure this thing out and eventually find a better balance of health and 'normal'. Maybe I can find other people like us, who have no one else to talk to - and together we can figure it out. So if your out there, and you understand this experience, I would love to hear from you!
Pretty normal for mid-day at our home. It's amazing what you can get used to, what becomes normal. A couple of years ago there would have been no cell phone, no dog, no alarm system. Of course, a couple of years ago, my oldest daughter hadn't yet tried to kill my two youngest children, we didn't know she was a psychopath and we lived in oblivious happiness.
Before I continue on, I should introduce you to my family. Tom is my husband. Of course, that's not his real name. He's a great friend and lover, a good father and a very kindhearted person. He is so funny - every day he makes me laugh! Honest - soo honest! I fell in love with how honest he is, but then again, I am often uncomfortable with how honest he is! :-) I feel fortunate to have found Tom, there are not many people on this planet like him - too bad. When we married I was a single mom with an infant. Tom adopted this child without hesitation, and loved her as he loved our other children.
Sam is 11, our youngest child. He is an almost typical 11 year old: funny, quick with a joke, kind hearted like his father, quick to temper and uncomfortable with too many emotions; loves people and can easily get lost in 'making friends. When Sam is tired of the company of others, he has no problem taking his leave; loves learning and numbers, is competitive and is learning how to loose with grace. Over the last two years he has 'developed' post-traumatic stress disorder often hiding in cupboards or under beds when he hears a noise in the house or when his Dad is not home.
Cindy is our 'middle' child at 12 years old. She is outgoing to a fault, and has more personality than she knows what to do with! Sometimes we clash... okay, often we clash - sometimes she has more personality than either of us know what to do with. She is an artist at heart, very creative - finding inspiration in almost everything. Her life is full of passion, and the lives of everyone around her is touched by this passion. She feels emotions deeply and when they have run their course, she can let them go. She is very loving and forgiving and enjoys all people - no matter what age. I am so often amazed by her! Lately she has become afraid to 'connect' to anyone - 'you never know who could be a psychopath!' is her latest saying.
And that brings us to Kathy. She is 18 years old - just had a birthday not too long ago. She is a very pretty girl, gets along with everyone - really - EVERYONE loves this kid. She is extremely personable! I have never seen anything like it, even when she was a baby she could get anyone at all to smile at her. When she was in school, she could do no work what-so-ever and the teacher would smile and tell her how great she was doing and give her excellent marks. She could take the money out of your wallet and you would thank her for doing it - that's not even much of an exaggeration. Of course there are some people that did/do not respond to her in that way, but they are few and far between - and she quickly stayed out of their range. Kathy is also very smart, her IQ is only a couple of points away from 'genius'. That's a bad combination - a genius psychopath. She is also very lazy. That is our saving grace - the 'gift' god gave her (or us really) -she is lazy to a fault.
And then there is me. I have just turned forty.. ugh! Grey hair is growing in all the wrong places now - I even found one in my eyelashes last week! Who I am in a nutshell: have my own business (with Tom) and several letters at the end of my name. My husband and I work together as consultants to individuals and businesses across North America (we work around 3 to 8 days a month), on the days I am not working I focus on whatever is my latest interest, or just hang out with my family. Its a pretty good life really, I get to do what I love and spend the rest of my time with the people I love.
Lately though, I have been finding it difficult to cope and the people I love have been finding it difficult to cope with me. I cry all the time, sometimes I am just going about my day and I find that my face is wet with tears that I didn't even know I was crying. I am cranky too - that's a good and kind word for *itchy! The *itchyness is leaking out from a very large pool of anger that is growing inside of me all the time. So in a nutshell: I am a cranky, sad mother who is currently pregnant with anger and disillusioned with life, love and god!
Maybe through this blog I can...i don't know... make it less...make it better, make it easier. Figure this thing out and eventually find a better balance of health and 'normal'. Maybe I can find other people like us, who have no one else to talk to - and together we can figure it out. So if your out there, and you understand this experience, I would love to hear from you!
"I'm sorry....your daughter is a psychopath..."
It was almost one year ago that my world came crashing down around me, with one simple sentence, everything was changed forever. I will never forget that moment, it has been burned into my memory forever. Its funny the details a person remembers at moments like that. The slight smell of lavender in the doctors office, I kept thinking that it seemed out of place; the coldness of the leather chair I was sitting on was at such odds with the sunshine flowing through the window; the odd look in the eyes of the psychologist as he uttered the words
"I'm sorry...your daughter is a psychopath..."
He talked on for a while, I don't even know for how long. I just sat there, hearing his words but... it was as if I couldn't comprehend them, or anything else. Everything just stopped, all my thoughts and feelings seemed to freeze. Somewhere at the back of my mind all I could think about was how Lavender was used to make people sleep, how odd to use it in this office.
Slowly his words began to sink in and my thoughts started to move again - slowly, as if stuck in heavy syrup. I heard someone asking questions, that seemed quite appropriate for the situation. After a little while I realized that it was me. I was talking. huh. My husband was also asking questions and nodding his head. I remember that too, Tom's head nodding slowly as he took in what was being said.
"don't be alone with her" the psychologist was talking, "take precautions with your other children, and for goodness sake, get her out of your house as soon as possible..." I drifted out, back into that numb place of sticky syrup. How? How to get her out, how could this happen, how did it happen, how do we fix this?
"I am sorry, but there is no way to 'fix' it Betty. There is no medication, or therapy that can change this. There is nothing wrong with her body, she was born this way - without the ability to have or understand emotions. She can mimic emotion, which she does very well, but she does not feel it. None of it, except anger. Therapy will only serve to teach her how to mimic emotions and say 'the right things' at 'the right times'. In essence, it will make her a better predator."
He thinks my daughter is a predator, surely he cant be right, can he? My mind began to race, trying to find a way out, a way to make this wrong. Other doctors, therapists maybe. Perhaps he doesn't know how much I love her, how much of a blessing she was to me that day she was born... The next thing I knew he was shaking my husbands hand, and then mine.
I saw the bathroom, as we walked out of his office and made my way to it. Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably! I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face anymore than I could stop the guttural sounds from pouring out of my throat. I fell to the floor and sobbed in a way I have never sobbed before. I knew it was true. Every part of me knew it was true, and some part of me had known for some time.
I don't know for how long I was like that, rolled up in a ball on the floor. But eventually I pulled myself together and found my way out of the bathroom and to my husband.
Nothing has been the same since that day. All the illusions of a 'nice, happy family' have long since been shattered. The luxury of excuses is gone too. Now we survive.
"I'm sorry...your daughter is a psychopath..."
He talked on for a while, I don't even know for how long. I just sat there, hearing his words but... it was as if I couldn't comprehend them, or anything else. Everything just stopped, all my thoughts and feelings seemed to freeze. Somewhere at the back of my mind all I could think about was how Lavender was used to make people sleep, how odd to use it in this office.
Slowly his words began to sink in and my thoughts started to move again - slowly, as if stuck in heavy syrup. I heard someone asking questions, that seemed quite appropriate for the situation. After a little while I realized that it was me. I was talking. huh. My husband was also asking questions and nodding his head. I remember that too, Tom's head nodding slowly as he took in what was being said.
"don't be alone with her" the psychologist was talking, "take precautions with your other children, and for goodness sake, get her out of your house as soon as possible..." I drifted out, back into that numb place of sticky syrup. How? How to get her out, how could this happen, how did it happen, how do we fix this?
"I am sorry, but there is no way to 'fix' it Betty. There is no medication, or therapy that can change this. There is nothing wrong with her body, she was born this way - without the ability to have or understand emotions. She can mimic emotion, which she does very well, but she does not feel it. None of it, except anger. Therapy will only serve to teach her how to mimic emotions and say 'the right things' at 'the right times'. In essence, it will make her a better predator."
He thinks my daughter is a predator, surely he cant be right, can he? My mind began to race, trying to find a way out, a way to make this wrong. Other doctors, therapists maybe. Perhaps he doesn't know how much I love her, how much of a blessing she was to me that day she was born... The next thing I knew he was shaking my husbands hand, and then mine.
I saw the bathroom, as we walked out of his office and made my way to it. Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably! I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face anymore than I could stop the guttural sounds from pouring out of my throat. I fell to the floor and sobbed in a way I have never sobbed before. I knew it was true. Every part of me knew it was true, and some part of me had known for some time.
I don't know for how long I was like that, rolled up in a ball on the floor. But eventually I pulled myself together and found my way out of the bathroom and to my husband.
Nothing has been the same since that day. All the illusions of a 'nice, happy family' have long since been shattered. The luxury of excuses is gone too. Now we survive.
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